When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities