You Might Also Like
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Did my cat write this
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
The “baby” on the left….
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.