After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.