The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
You Might Also Like
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Don’t make me out nice you.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
A double negative is a big no-no.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did