Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
You Might Also Like
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
reminder
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke