Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
yeet
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
road rage
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”