Always
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me