My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
You Might Also Like
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.