ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.