When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
A family that plays together cheats.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here: