Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
i will not be silenced
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.