Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
You Might Also Like
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop