please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
You Might Also Like
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
You can’t rush stupid.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween