Those are good neighbors.
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Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
i will not be silenced
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.