Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope