When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
an octopus is just a wet spider
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
scares
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
i dont have time for this
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea