The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.