So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.