I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is