Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
You Might Also Like
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.