at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
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Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.