I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary