My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I’m going to need a moment here.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.