my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012