Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
They’re the worst 😩
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?