Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Cake safety first. Always.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.