where the womens at?
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied