I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Mission: Impossible
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?