INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.