Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.