Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Note to self: always read the final line
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”