Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”