If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
He took my last fry, your honor
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.