“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
#damn
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.