McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?