I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂