Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
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Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Krampus.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Stop sending me this shit.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.