billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I used to be married, but I’m better now
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret