*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
this was the best i’ve ever seen
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Hank is one in a melon.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.