Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”