I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower