Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
🤣could you imagine
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.