Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.