[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞