Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
You Might Also Like
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter