Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one