Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
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mom gave me mine for free
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.