*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
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You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?