Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*lint rolls you awake*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.