Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
What is going on? 😅
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it